Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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