He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
