so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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