I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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