I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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