we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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