My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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