I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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