I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
