i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
