Don't you send me to vm
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
