My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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