my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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