my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
