Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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