Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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