Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
