I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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