I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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