Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
