We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
