Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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