Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you traded sex for a burrito?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
