I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
