When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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