after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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