Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
