Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
