he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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