Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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