he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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