So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
