she smelled like a LAN party
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
