im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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