My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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