hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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