Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
