oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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