never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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