I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
