saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
