I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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