sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
