can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
