I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
