Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
