dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
