Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
