Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize