I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
