he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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