What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
