Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
