Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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