a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
