when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
