i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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