we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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