Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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