I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
